If you read my stuff or listen to me speak, then by now you know that I teach and live by the philosophy that we have the ability to create our lives by design (and that includes your dream business). We came into this life with the purest intention to be deliberate creators. And that means, we came into this life to get what we want!!! Anything and everything. But most of us live life by default. It’s not our fault…it’s the environment into which we were born. Most people observe the conditions around them and let that dictate how they feel. When the conditions are good, they feel good. When the conditions are bad, they feel bad. So they spend inordinate amounts of energy trying to control conditions so they can feel good all the time.
We have it the wrong way round. If we want a specific condition, like a consistent pipeline of great clients, all we have to do is put out the signal of this, and watch the universe deliver exactly what we want. But most people will observe “what is” – a lack of consistent clients, or a lack of consistent cash flow – and use that condition to dictate how they feel. Sometimes, it takes a severe crisis to really learn and understand our creative power.
It did for me. So the big question is – how do you put out the signal of what you want when faced with the opposite? I.e., how do you put out the signal of a consistent pipeline of great clients when faced with a complete lack of clients and mounting bills to pay?
The answer is to learn to become a “self-soother.” Why? It’s how we break our dependency on controlling conditions. For example, let’s say you really want to sell uber luxury cruises … and nothing else. But you’ve never had a single client ask about one. In this situation, you have a clear desire (and condition) but are facing the absence of it. The way to create this condition (or manifest it) is to put out the signal of having a consistent pipeline of clients booking uber luxury cruises. In other words, you have to feel it before you see it. But what if you don’t believe you have the ability to attract these kinds of clients? How can you feel it, if you don’t believe it?
The answer is to become a self soother. Another way of saying this is to hone your ability to feel good, amidst undesirable conditions. One more way of saying this is to sever your dependency upon desirable conditions to feel good. When you can master your self soothing ability, you will be able to create your life by design and your business by design.
When I went through my own severe life crisis, I developed a list of many self-soothing statements that I practiced over and over again until i got better and better and better at self soothing. Here are the top 5 self soothing statements I practiced every time I faced an undesirable condition in my life:
- “Everything is always working out for you.” Another way of saying this is: everything is happening FOR you, not TO you. For example, one time I was in a huge hurry to get to an important event – a concert featuring my favorite vocalists. I jumped in my car, got on the highway, was feeling satisfied I was going to barely make it and then saw the red tail lights on the cars in front and slowed to a complete stop. I sat in that traffic jam for 90 minutes and completely missed the concert. In the old days, I would have fumed all 90 minutes and fell into a downward, negative feeling spiral that would have lasted for days. But instead, I chose to repeat to myself over and over and over again that everything is always working out for you. I didn’t let the condition (traffic jam and missing my concert) dictate my emotional state and signal. Guess what happened? Half the concert attendees and one of the players were stuck in the same traffic jam, so the event got postponed. It eventually happened in a much smaller, more preferable venue and I was able to meet the band. So the moral of the story is this: even when it looks like it’s not, everything is always working out for you. If you can stay in a good feeling place, despite the condition, you will realize this much sooner.
- “There is no loss. Only gain.” For many months while going through my divorce, I couldn’t shake the feeling of loss. I felt like loss was everywhere. It was painful and deep. Until one day, I heard a whisper that over time, got louder and louder. The whisper was this: “when one door closes another one opens.” I had a complete shift in perspective. I didn’t have to look at any of my conditions as loss. I could choose to see the gain in every single one of them. I may not know, at that moment, what the gain was or would be, but I could choose to believe that the gain would show up. And it has. So many gains have occurred to me. I’ve gained new and better relationships with my children. I’ve gained relationships with new people. But probably the biggest gain is the understanding of how to be a deliberate creator. My greatest gift has been learning how to finally take the reins of my life and create it by design. The way I’ve done that is to master my ability to find joy, happiness and peace DESPITE the conditions surrounding me.
- “Everything that is showing up in your life is an indicator of the signal you are putting out.” My favorite visual I chose to use to comprehend this one was the visual of the character PigPen from the Peanuts Gang. PigPen was always shown with a big dust bubble over his head. Well, we all have one! And the condition of that dust bubble is dictated by your feelings, which come from your thoughts. Think about something pleasing, you will feel a pleasing emotion and your dust bubble will be clean and clear. We have the ability to change that signal by choosing our thoughts. But most of us observe “what is” which dictate the thoughts we think, and then the feelings we feel. We don’t have to observe “what is.” That’s where our power lies.
- “Jealousy is just an amplified awareness of something wanted while standing in the place of believing you don’t have it or can’t maintain it.” When you experience a severe enough crisis, you can find yourself feeling jealous a lot. Why? Because you have an intense desire for something you do not have…and then you see lots of people in your life that DO have it and it doesn’t seem like they DESERVE it. So you feel jealous. What I learned about jealousy is that I was wanting someone to behave drastically different so that I could feel better. But that is such a trap. Because I would become dependent upon others’ behaviors for feeling good. When I do that, I will never have my own power. When I was feeling jealous, it was my indicator that I was craving security. The only way to satisfy a craving for security was to feel the love, joy, happiness and peace that dwells within me. So every time I experienced jealousy, it was my opportunity to practice self soothing. And it worked.
- “If this time space reality has the ability to inspire a desire within you, it has the where-with-all to deliver it in its fully manifested form.” This one is so good and doesn’t need much explanation. The truth is this – if you have a desire, the path to it HAS to exist. You couldn’t have the desire without it being possible. God doesn’t play tricks on us. Really, can you imagine a God that would plant a desire in your heart but no way to make it happen? Life is supposed to feel good.
Your Assignment: The next time you are facing an unwanted condition, remind yourself it’s an excellent opportunity to master your self soothing ability. Then use my Top 5 list to practice it.